Don't do crack!
by The hungry Hybrid
Summary: Series of oneshots. Some of the oneshots have pairings, failed attempt at crack, hence the name. Chapter 2 up: "Let's get lovey-dovey."
1. Kanda's bad day

**Hiya, the Hybrid's here again... Now with a DGM fic, I know it's short but it's hard to write something long at 3 am -.-  
I suspect that this might be a bit overrated (I'm not good with the rating system yet, and I'm not sure if 'fuck' can be in a K+ rated story so I put this on T, and I might write some other oneshots later which might be a bit more on the T-side).**

**The OC in this is based from my friend Flugan who also was the beta-reader, the OC's name is Palex and is described as a happy-go-round, hyperactive, cheerful blonde girl who loves pink and is overly girly.**

**Warning: emoness, language, failed attempt at crack, weird OC.**

**Summary: Kanda's day goes from calm to crappy in a matter of minutes.**

Don't do crack.

"Yuu-chan!" Ignore him.

"YUU-CHAN!!" His left eye twitched

BAM!

The door was forced open by a giant black hammer, and as debris flew across the room the hammer shrunk and in to the now half destroyed training room came Lavi. His wild red hair hung around his face and over the eye patch on his right eye, he smiled like a little boy who had just found his favorite toy. Kanda hadn't even winced when Lavi had destroyed the carefully locked door, and the entire wall with it.

"YUU-CHAN! YUU-CHAN!" Lavi's obnoxious voice was penetrating Kanda's impenetrable wall of indifference and coldness. Lavi grabbed Kanda's arm and forced him out of his meditation state. Kanda had had enough.

"Let. Me. Go. Baka Usagi!!" He said agonizing slowly and filled with promises of a world full of pain. He also gave his most murderous glare that normally would have made any normal person pee in their pants, but Lavi is not a normal person. As the Baka Usagi he is he completely ignored Kanda's threats and, while smiling excitingly, took a hold of Kanda's left arm and dragged him towards the corridor.

"You have to see this, Yuu! It's _awesome_!" Lavi said and took a better grip on the arm.

"What's so fucking interesting that you have to show it to me?" Kanda tried to figure it out, has the Bean-sprout finally lost at poker? Has the damn supervisor finally gone too far in his sister-complex and actually murdered someone?

"Palex finally got her innocence!" Lavi said. They were running through the corridors of the Black Order HQ. Palex? Who's that? Kanda tried to remember; did she have long blonde hair? An annoying happy-go-round idiot Lenalee and Lavi had found on a mission a while ago? Why should he care about that idiot gaining her weapon? He's got the best anti-akuma weapon in the world; his sword Mugen.

"Why should I fucking care if the fucking idiot got her weapon?" Kanda asked and tried (read failed) to get out of Lavi's grip on his arm.

"'Cause it's so cool! It's equipment-type, it's name is _Straw_!" Lavi said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Nothing's cooler than Mugen", Kanda said proudly.

"No, no, Yuu-chan. Straw is sooooo much cooler!" This was when Kanda realized that Lavi had called him by name… several times too, he's _so gonna die_!

"Why is its name Straw?" He asked, Lavi stopped in front of the door leading to the lounge.

"You'll see", he said and opened the door. Kanda walked in and stopped at the sight. The room was filled with finders and workers/scientists from the different sections; he recognized Reever Wenham and the nerd with large glasses. In the middle, where all the attention was directed at, was Palex holding a pink… straw? She held the two ends with her hand and with a bright smile she said:

"Innocence activate!" She pulled the crooked straw so it was straight and a small pink sparkle emanated from the equally pink straw. The sound it made as it activated was that of a lighter when used. Palex deactivated it and the crowd went "aaw"…

"Innocence activate!" Once again she did the procedure and the crowd went "ooooh"…

"Isn't it awesome?" Lavi asked and walked straight to Palex and sat down on the floor, watching in awe. This was when Kanda went into "emo-cloud" mode, and he quickly walked away, he needed to comfort eat some of Jerry's delicious soba!

"The usu…" Kanda was rudely interrupted by a certain Bean-sprout.

"JERRY!!!!!" Allen sounded excited.

"What can I get you, cutie?" the purpled haired cook asked.

"I'm gonna be in a soba eating contest and I need to train! Give me all the soba you got." And Allen got it.

"Oi Bean-sprout!" Kanda called. Allen looked at him while trying to balance the giant soba-bowl.

"What is it Kanda?"

"You're not serious with that fucking contest?" Allen gave him an incredulous stare.

"Kanda, I'm always serious with food", with that he left for a vacant table.

Kanda couldn't comfort eat.

Kanda wasn't seen as the coolest exorcist any longer.

And that made him incredibly emo.

So emo he actually was thinking of cutting himself with his Mugen.

Kanda sat on his bed in his room holding his sword with his right hand ready to go all out emo. Then he remembered.

"Fuck! I can't die until I find that person!"

Kanda wanted to comfort eat since he wasn't seen as the coolest exorcist anymore.

He couldn't comfort eat since that damn Bean-sprout took all the soba.

And lastly he couldn't kill himself since he can't die.

Fuck, he was screwed.

**Note: 'emo-cloud' refers to our views on Cloud from FF VII advent children movie, Flugan and I thinks that he's soooo emo in that movie (but we love him!) and when I found out that the voice actor for Kanda voiced Cloud as well... well let's say that Cloud has become Kanda and the other way around to us.**

**Soooo, please review and tell me what you think!**

**The button is right there -----------!  
I'll be veeeeeeery happy if you review.  
If not I'll send my cyborg at ya.  
Have a nice day~!**


	2. Let's get loveydovey

**Uhm... This didn't come out the way I wanted it too but... it might have gone well. It's a bit more serious than the last chapter but I tried!  
I have to thank you three who reviewed on the first chapter: Flugan, bloodiedangle and dragonheart3, thank you really much, I hope I'm not disappointing you with this. I'm even more amazed that it went so quickly too! ^^**

**Oops... I forgot the disclaimer in the first chapter... Hrm hrm...  
Disclaimer: I don't own D. Gray man and if I did I would have awsome drawing skills and Allen wouldn't have such a fucked up life.**

**Warnings: Gayness, overemotional OC, maybe a but suckiness.**

**Let's get lovey-dovey.**

An ordinary akuma-extermination mission. The going to be battlefield was a picturesque small village located north of Dublin, Ireland. Pink, purple, blue, red and yellow flowers everywhere and the people was a happy bunch. This place was ideal to build a family – at least to Lavi, Kanda on the other hand thought this was an awful place to even step in to. Palex was just too happy to even notice the village. She just jumped around like a hyper squirrel rambling about how lucky she was to have a mission.

Allen was close to Kanda, the official reason was to make sure Kanda wouldn't "accidentally" kill any of the, to him, idiots of the Order. But everyone knows that Allen is so gay for Kanda and the other way around, which explains why Kanda even lets the "damn Bean Sprout" to be near him.

"Hey Yuu-chan! Stop having a stick up your ass and make-out to Bean Sprout-chan already!" The reactions were simple.

"DON'T (fucking) call me that!" The two "normal" exorcists yelled.

"Wowowowow, guys calm down y'know", Lavi said and fixed his red hair, it had been disheveled when Kanda and Allen had yelled at him, and damn those guys have serious good lung capacities.

And as any self respecting fanfic it was time for some action, which, as usual, started with Allen's cursed eye activating with that special sound it makes.

"A~KU~MA~ IS HERE~!!!!" Palex sang and stopped to take out here small, pink weapon; Straw. Lavi took out his shape-shifting hammer, Kanda his Mugen and Allen took off his glove to his left, red arm.

"Innocence activate~!" They sang, having been caught up in Palex's mood.

* * *

The battle went well, according to Lavi at least. He and Allen had been separated from the other two about an hour ago. But a second didn't go by without him worrying about Palex. Was she okay? Did Yuu-chan protect her?

Well, let's go find out…

Kanda was tired, like really fucking tired. And it was all because of that stupid blonde girl who can't fight at all! Because of her inability to fight he had to act as a body guard while she randomly blew small innocence needles through her straw. Lucky for him, she didn't have to aim.

Palex blew another set of needles and laughed when she saw the "pretty lights" flying through the air and ultimately ended up inside an akuma; making it explode. But then the unimaginable thing happened!

One of the level one akuma fired a bullet, aimed at her. She had just bent down to pick up a lovely pink flower so the bullet missed her, partly. She felt a small burn somewhere around her shoulder and she reached up her hand to feel if the clothes had been ruined. Then she felt it. Gasping she took a strand of blonde hair and what she saw made her see red (excuse me pink). Some of her hair had been burnt off by that bullet!

THAT'S IT!

Kanda looked around when he heard Palex's scream of rage. She stomped towards a level one akuma and punched it right on its white mask, but as they say: stupid choices gives unnecessary consequences; she broke a nail…

Palex's eyes widened, her breathing staggered, everything became still… Kanda destroyed the akuma she had punched but he didn't see the level two akuma behind a tree. It knocked him up in the air, his hair tie came loose and his long black hair hid his face as he crash landed in a nearby shoe store.

Lavi and Allen decided to show up around then, Lavi walked over the crying Palex and hugged her, reassured her that it's not the end of the world with a broken nail. Allen ran over to Kanda with tears streaming down his face.

"Yuu!!" He sat down on his knees next to Kanda, brushing the black hair from the beautiful man's face.

"Bean Sprout", Kanda said and weakly and slowly he wiped away the tears running down the white-haired kid's cheeks. "You came."

"Of course I came, BaKanda!" Allen answered hotly. In the background one could hear Palex's wailing.

"I hate her", Kanda said. Palex's scream of agony could be heard.

"Do you want to change partners? I can be with Palex…" Palex's sobbing could be heard.

"Baka Usagi can be with her, everybody knows he has a crush on her."

"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!! I broke a naaaaaaaiiiiilll! I'm goooooing to dieeeee! Life is too hard on me; I can't live if my appearance isn't perfect. I can't handle this, what am I to do??!!"

Uhm, I think the sad scene is playing a few meters before her… Back to the so-gay-for-each-other couple.

"Yuu… I love you", Allen said with a loving tone and smile, his eyes glistered with tears and his white hair hung around his face as he bent down over Kanda, who was completely silent. He blinked a few times and then he said:

"I… maybe know that I don't know that I might know that I don't know that you know I know that you know Lavi knows that I don't really, actually know that I know that you know, but still know that I might don't know how to answer that… you know." Allen cried and hugged Kanda, hard.

"Oh Yuu! How nice of you!" He let go of Kanda and turned to Lavi who hugged a depressed Palex, "Kanda and I fix up the west side, you and Palex can fix the east", Lavi gave him thumbs up.

"Sure Allen-chan! Don't forget to have a hot moment at the inn later!" But Allen and Kanda had already jumped towards the west side of the village. "Damn what good jumping skills those two have."

He looked around. No sights of akuma… good.

"Hey Palex lookie here! This will certainly cheer you up", he brought out his hammer.

"Shape-shifting hammer, grow Grow GROW!" The hammer became as large as a barn. He then banged a random house to dust. Palex looked at the house and then at the hammer and lastly at Lavi.

"So cool!"

"Yeah, I know."

"YOU, damn teenager!" Lavi turned around and saw a small group of housewives coming out of the house next to the one he just destroyed. All he could think during those precious few seconds he had before the angry housewives-mob surrounded him was: _Crapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrap_ *deep breath* _crapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapCRAP_!!!!!!!!!!

Everybody knows that angry housewives are way worse than the Millennium Earl himself.

Lavi was in deeeeeeeeeep shit this time.

**Yeah... well, I still want a review!!!  
Oh and if you have any suggestion to scenarios you want me to write just tell me and I'll try to make a chapter out of it.**

**I've planned the next one already, with Komui and Palex as main characters.**

**And too all the readers who didn't review.... you don't need to write a book when you review you know, a word or so is enough^^.**

**Soooo~ pressthegreenbuttonorI'llsendmynewcyborgatya!!! *deep breath***

**Reviews?----**


End file.
